I think people around this time of the season take the phrase, “Deck The Halls”, a little too seriously!

This past Saturday my sisters & I decided to head out to mall to do some shopping. I swear, it was the worst idea that we’ve ever had. The crowds, the screaming kids, the smells, it was way too much for me to handle. Even the food court lines were ridiculous. The only line that had a reasonable wait was the hot-dog stand! God knows I hate anything wrapped in casing, i.e, hot-dogs or sausages, but at that point I was on the verge of passing out, so a monkey will eat pepper when they’re hungry.

While we were standing in line I couldn’t help but to people watch. There were a few times, when all I could do was shake my head in pity and tried my hardest to fight back the laughter.

Someone please answer me this…..

Why are women nowadays walking Christmas trees? I can’t count how many over accessorized women I noticed at the mall.

Big dangling earrings, big bangle bracelets, big furry boots, big furry coats!

What happened to the idea that LESS IS MORE?

When I walk past you, I shouldn’t hear your jewelry still making noise.

You shouldn’t set off the store’s theft sensors every time you walk in & out!

Some of the women I saw make Mr. T and Tammy Faye Baker look like Plain Janes!

Here’s a hint before you leave your house. If you think you resemble the Christmas Tree that’s in your living room, then you might want to go back in and take off some of the jewelry!

Remember, less is more!

As the holiday season is upon us, many companies are starting to have their annual holiday parties. I miss the good old days when I attended parties thrown by huge corporations in NYC, like the Viacom & Time Warner annual parties. Since I’ve been here in Maryland, the parties are a little less of the pomp & circumstance. I do have a few parties that I’ll be attending with friends with their companies but today my office is having our department Potluck luncheon.

As irony would have it potluck rhymes with yuck.

Personally, the thought of eating food that came from certain individuals houses that I work with seriously sickens me. I see how their etiquette is here in the office and I can only imagine what could go on in their kitchens.

Take for example my IT administrator, Doug. Doug is the embodiment of Santa Claus. Physically, he looks JUST like Old Saint Nick, down to the beard & pasty skin. He’s quite an interesting character to say the least. Doug LOVES to bring his homemade goodies into the office. On my first day at work, I was clearly warned NOT to eat Doug’s food and this was without having seen him. One day I happened to run into Doug and I clearly understood why. I didn’t understand why an adult had so many dirty stains and spots on his clothes. His nails were dirty and he smelled like spam. Needless to say, I never and will never eat anything Doug brings to the office.

Then there’s Vera. Vera loves to bake as well. But the difference between Doug and Vera, is that people actually like to eat her food. A few months back, Vera brought in some cupcakes she baked, which are pretty popular in the office. Everyone told me I should try one, so I went ahead and grabbed one and took it back to my office. As I’m eating the cupcake, I noticed a sliver glimmer inside of the chocolate cupcake. I almost puked when I realized it was a piece of dog hair!! See, Vera has a dog, and now from eating a cupcake with yorkie hair in it, I can only assume, he’s allowed to roam the kitchen freely!

When we started planning the potluck, I took the initiative to try to persuade people to take the easy way out and just buy something from the deli or a fast food place and bring it in. After I said that, I felt like a leper. Everyone looked at me as if I were crazy. At that point I knew I had to come up with a diversion plan. I basically appealed to the fact that it is the holiday season and no one should have to do anything unnecessary and time consuming and in the long run they’d benefit from not having the extra hassle.

So, as usual, FunkyBlackChick gets her way.

This years potluck will include foot long subs from Subway, catered meals from Carolina Kitchen, and KFC!

As long the food is not coming from Doug’s or Vera’s kitchen, I’m cool!

Those who know my family, know that none of us are not really ‘all there’. Just attempting to describe the various personalities would take a week! From the oldest to the youngest, we’re never short on personality.

One of the highlights of this Thanksgiving was my grandmother coming down to visit. We literally had to bribe her with $$ to get her to visit, b/c she hates the Maryland area. She feels that if she visits that she’ll be held hostage and won’t be allowed to ever go back to NJ, b/c of all of the worrying we do because she’s basically up there by herself now.

I can only take my grandmother in small doses. After a couple of hours, typically, I have to either leave the room she’s in or just tell her to shut-up. The woman will talk your ears off with her complaining, nit-picking and about all of her ailments. This year, she couldn’t stop talking about her close friend, Frank Lucas. Yeah, that Frank Lucas. Mr. American Gangster himself.

See, for the past 8 yrs, Frank Lucas has been my grandmother’s next door neighbor. For the longest, I’ve heard stories about the man in apt. 703 of her senior citizens building. Every time I would go & visit her, Mr. Frank (is what she’d call him) would be sitting in front of the building in his wheel chair smoking a cigar. I’d always politely wave at him or give him a hug. When I had my son with him, he’d give him a $5 bill or a stick of gum. He seemed nice enough to me. I guess I never realized how much of a ‘gangster’ he really was back then, b/c of his present condition after the suffered a stroke a few years back.

Anyways, my grandmother wouldn’t keep quiet about him. Frank this, Frank that. To make matters worst, she wouldn’t shut up during the movie that my mother brought over. Now this is where I introduce the “Amnesiac” aka my Uncle Vinnie. The reason I call him the “Amnesiac” is because about 3 yrs ago, my uncle suffered a brain seizure which in return created a domino effect on a few other medical issues he’s been dealing with, such as kidney failure (he got a new one a few months back) and a tumor on his brain that had to be removed. He’s somewhat fully recovered BUT his memory is shot. If you’ve ever seen the movie, “50 First Dates” with Drew Barrymore & Adam Sandler, he’s somewhat like her, but not as bad. Over the past year his memory has gotten alot better, but it’s still blotchy in some areas.

Anyways, my uncle back in his ‘hay-day’, dabbled in drugs. His drugs of choice were cocaine & heroin. Although growing up, it was supposed to be this huge secret, believe me, I was the nosey kid who knew everything. When I got older, I learned that my uncle was considered a functional addict (he’s been clean for about 15 yrs now). He worked in the medical field at a prominent hospital in NJ, was always receiving awards and praises in the newspapers, but what people outside of the family didn’t know was his ‘issue’.

As my uncle was sitting there watching the movie, bits and pieces of his mental puzzle were being put together. He started talking to my grandmother about the man he referred to as “Frank Lewis” (I don’t know how many times we had to correct him that night) Lucas not Lewis. Lucas not Lewis, was repeated about 10xs. He asked my grandmother if he knew him, and she looked at him like he was crazy. From what my grandmother tells us, my uncle knew the man and his brothers very well growing up in Newark during the 70’s. Frank Lucas’ brothers, “The Country Boys”, basically ran the heroin in Newark during that time, and my uncle back then was a HUGE buyer of their product. He says its what got him through medical school, but I doubt it b/c he was a crappy student.

In any event, it was definitely an interesting after dinner conversation with my Grandmother and my uncle. At one point I had to get up and excuse myself, b/c I couldn’t take any more of my uncle repeating questions after receiving answers to them 15 minutes before. It was hard trying not to laugh, although most of my family members were close to tears during some points in the evening.

The morals of this story? Say no to drugs. It’s ok to tell a grandmother to shut up sometimes and also, every ones family should have an amnesiac in it.