Recently I’ve been exploring the aspects of the ‘dating’ world and needless to say, it’s been quite interesting. So interesting, I don’t even know where to begin. The whole experience recently has been quite daunting.

Dating actually reminds me of a Starbucks. Although I’m not a coffee drinker, I do frequent the place with friends/coworkers occasionally. Every time I go, I’m amazed at the menu. All of these coffees/chai/cappuccinos/frappucinos/venti/grande are quiet confusing and so is dating.

I guess being that I’m such a picky person, I tend to dissect EVERYTHING about a person. I can literally size up a man in less than 10 seconds, from head to toe. It seems as though the men I’ve recently met and/or gone out on dates with all seem as though they’ve jumped off the menu of a Starbucks.

Mr. Short Caramel Frappucino

Typically I have a height requirement when it comes to me. I like my men to be at least 6′1, because at 5′10 I tend to tower over anyone shorter than that when I have on heels. This guy was originally from NYC so that was a plus and he’s been in the area for about 10 years. When we first started to talk he wasn’t shy to tell me that he prefer his women to work out. He wanted to know what gym I worked out at and why didn’t I go more often. I told him currently that I run after an 8 yr old most of the day so that’s more than enough for me. I also explained to him that although I probably could afford to loose about 10 lbs, that he’s way shorter than the men I would even normally give a second glance to, so how about him gaining about 4 inches being that he was only 5′8. What was also leary about him was his enthusiasm to let me know that he was a DC cop. As if that impressed me. So I decided to ‘name’ drop. Of course out of the bunch of cops that I know in DC he didn’t know any of them and specifically one from his own unit. How ironic. Gotta love a liar. In any event, after that first ‘date’ there was the automatic ‘disconnect’. Toodles Officer Short Caramel Frappucino!

Mr. Tall Vanilla Bean Frappucino

I’m a sucker from anyone with a New York accent. It reminds me of home and is always welcoming to hear instead of the country accents that I come across living in the MD/DC/VA area. So here comes Mr. Tall Vanilla Bean Frappucino. Originally from Long Island, tall (6′1), Italian guy. We talked about everything from how odd some people are down here, how we can’t find any good pizza or the opposite sex. Typically, I wouldn’t normally be attracted to him physically, but his personality is what stood out. The first thing he said is that I reminded him of Janet Jackson, but then he quickly changed that to PENNY from “Good Times”. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been referred to as ‘cute’ so many times in my life. We decided that we would have to hang out again and meet up for some drinks. The next day I received an email from him saying that he thought I would be ‘thicker’ in person. I had to blink and re-read the email b/c I think I’m ‘plenty’ thick…LMAO! No one has ever made any complaints about any of my ASSets. I told a few friends what he said and my guy friends think he may mean that he likes women with BIGGER BREASTS. FYI, I’m proud of my C’s! In any event, I recently spoke with him and brought up the email and he started to laugh. He let me know that he actually prefer “THICKER” women, I’m like damn. I can’t win worth trying. He’s not even someone I would normally ‘date’ and here he is complaining about my lack of “THICKNESS”! Damned if you’re thick, damned if you’re not!

Mr. Venti Mocha Frappucino

What can I say about this guy. I mean damn, he was gorgeous. 6′7, nice smooth skin, smelled good, dressed nice. Seemingly PERFECT physically. Our conversations were always great, so I really didn’t’ have any complaints until when we finally met, HE OPENED HIS MOUTH!

My handsome Mr. Venti Mocha Frappucino suddenly started to look like this:

I swear I couldn’t stop staring at this man’s mouth! He had the worst teeth I’ve ever seen! Brown, rotten, crooked, piled on top of each other!! Now, why is this man driving a brand new car and not have his teeth fixed??? If you have credit to finance a car, you can finance some cosmetic dentistry. I’m sorry, I can over look someones height, and a few other things, but TEETH, I cannot look past those! The next day I logged onto the Lumineers (a form of veneers) website and sent in an inquiry using his email address and phone number, hopefully a consultation will soon follow!

In any event, dating is hard work. You have to sift through so many damn frappucinos until you find the one that’s perfect for you. Then, who’s to say that they’re actually ‘perfect’ for you. I know alot of women who settle just out of the frustration of trying to find the one they really want. I refuse to settle, and in life, I’m not drinking coffee…I prefer my men to be similar to a fine wine. Plus, I’m lactose intolerant.

Picture this scenario. You’re relaxing on the couch and enjoying a movie after an evening date with a tall, handsome recently retired NFL star. The two of you get comfortable and remove your shoes and start to stretch out on the couch. After a few minutes, you take in a deep breath and the scent of Fritos lingers across your nasal passage. You look down at your feet and realize that you’ve never had an odor problem in regards to your feet.

The only obvious explanation is that it’s the other person’s feet! Now, you think to yourself, “If I can smell this stench, I’m sure they can too!”. Where are the odor eaters when you need them?

Yes, people, his feet smelled horrible. It was like I was sitting on top of Frito mountain in the middle of Summer. Hot. (f?ng’k?). Feet. How appetizing, especially after a dinner of seafood!

I tried to squirm to the other side of the couch but of course he moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. I tried to breath through my mouth, just so I could smell as little as possible. That did not work. I thought to myself, “Does he not smell his feet?”. I realize this is a common problem for men, but if you’re 30-something years old, your feet have been (f?ng’k?) for a while, it didn’t just happen over night!

It was hard to pay attention to the movie, because all I could think of is how am I going to approach the subject. Should I blatantly come out and tell this 6′6 man that his feet stink, maybe he should go and wash them and put his shoes outside to air out? Or, should I just sit there and grin and bear it? I knew it wouldn’t be much longer before the movie ended so I just sat there breathing through my mouth for the rest of the evening.

A few days later we spoke on the phone and it took every ounce of energy for me NOT to say something about his feet. Eventually I blurted out, “You really should throw away those shoes you wore the other night, they’re causing your feet to stink”. There was a few seconds of awkward silence and he started laughing. He told me I was the first woman to mention the fact that his feet smelled and that he appreciated it and that he’ll definitely invest in some foot powder and get rid of his problem shoes.

Who knew it would have been that easy. I wish I would have said something while we were watching the movie, because I would have actually been able to pay attention to it, instead of trying to divert myself from the (f?ng’k?) feet!

Move over Dr. School’s, Japan has minty insoles!

I’ll admit in this one dating ‘low’ of mine, I was a sucker for this pseudo-intellectual cat from Brooklyn. I’m not going to go into details on how we met, that’ll eventually deserve another blog all of it’s own. But anyways. The personality and intellect this man had was life-size. He definitely was charismatic and it definitely drew you in. But wait, let me not forget about the voice. Instant pantie pudding (I promised my cousin I would use her favorite term in a blog..there I said it Brandy). It was a deep baritone kind of voice. His skin was smooth chocolate and his locs were always kept neat. It was definitely the charisma that drew me in, because I will say this, we corresponded for a while, and I hadn’t seen his face until the first day we met.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself that he doesn’t sound so bad. Well the operative word in the above paragraph is ‘pseudo-intellectual’ and another operative paraphrase I’ll use is, ‘unmotivated’. Yes, he knew alot. But what’s the point in having a world of knowledge if you’re not going to do anything with it? At 31 years old, you’d think that the average intelligent person that was full of intellect would some how put that to use? Uh, negative. Sure, he’d put it to use when he needed to find a quick scam to earn a couple of extra hundred on the weekend to supplement his bouncer job at a few clubs. I’ve never met a person who had so many ’scams’ in their head. I guess the good thing was, none of them were really ‘illegal’, well not that ‘illegal’.

Why was this a dating low? Well typically the men I’ve dated in the past were educated, either formal education or Military education (I love a man in his blues or fatigues). I’ve never dated a man who couldn’t provide for himself and this one was a prime example.

How about this for a kicker? One day this man had the nerve to ask to borrow $500 from me. . First of all, I’m not a lender of money per say, especially such a high amount. I don’t have problems helping out certain family members but not one of them has ever asked me for that amount before. Yes, I have a certain amount of disposable income, but, why assume I’m going to dispose it to you because the dick is/was good? GTFOH, son (LMAO..that was his favorite saying). In any event, after I told him ‘no’ to his money question, he went quiet for a couple of days. No phone calls, no contact. Shady ass Negroes, I tell you.

In any event, that ‘relationship’ didn’t last long, especially after he got word through the ‘grapevine’ that I said a few unsavory things about him. Porbrecito’s feelings were hurt, that it actually got out that he wasn’t what he built himself up to be.

So with all of that said, I told myself that I’ll never ever take a walk on the ‘pseudo-intellectual-broke-side’ again. That I was going to stick to what I know. Men who put their intelligence and education to use and those who can support themselves without having to ask me for money!

Btw, I see you 70.23.207.97, how’s Brooklyn nowadays? I see you searched high & low to find this blog..LMAO!

Not saying he was a ’scrub’ but, yeah, close enough.

As I’m laying here recouperating from my weekend, a friend of mine who I went to college with popped up on my Yahoo Messenger. After she left to attend Law school in Houston a few years ago, IM’ing has been our main form of communication along with our visits to New Jersey on holidays. This morning Sandra mentions that her & her husband went to a comedy club last night and saw “Screech” from Saved By The Bell. She said he was pretty funny but really raunchy. I also told her that I saw him sex tape and he’s definitely a well-endowed man, needless to say, she felt that was TMI. The next bit of information she told me broke my heart, just a little. During his routine “Screech” made reference to “Zack” aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar, in regards to him being gay! I guess nothing should shock me when I hear news like that, but YOU don’t understand.

I had the biggest crush on “Zack”! I can honestly say he was my first white boy crush. I had every Teen Beat/Tiger Beat photo I could possibly find of him. Every Saturday, I was glued to the screen just to watch him. I also hoped year after year, him and “Lisa Turtle” aka Lark Voorhies would hook up so that could solidify in my mind there were actual interracial relationships on television. Eventually, “Zack” and “Lisa” eventually shared a short lived relationship, but quicky ended it b/c they thought they’d be better ‘friends’. I always wondered how many letters of outraged the network received in response to their ‘relationship’ for it to have ended so quickly.

In any event, during my sophmore year of highschool, I found my own “Zack”! I remember the day clearly. I was walking down the hall way and here is this 6′1, blond hair, green eyed, guy with a football jersey on walking towards me down the hallway. He stopped directly in front of me and congratulated me because he saw my cable show on television the night before (I produced/anchored our community/highschool news show). I think that was the first time I’d ever became speechless.

Frank was the typical ‘All American” boy. Star Quarterback , excellent student, popular, and beautiful! After that first encounter we became alot more friendlier towards each other in the months to follow. I interviewed him a couple of times for our news show and we also shared a few classes together. By the end of our sophmore year, we were a ‘couple’.

When I say “couple” we were the “IT” couple. In a school of 4000+ students, everyone knew Frank & “Funkyblackchick”. Star football player with the local tv personality and a track athlete. We shared lockers for 2 yrs, all of the same classes..etc..etc…he was a huge support to me during the majority of my highschool years.

Senior year came quickly and by the end of our senior year, we realized that even though we would be a few exits away on the NJ Turnpike from each other (He was attending Princeton and I was at Rutgers) that it would be best if we just remained friends. Till this day I’m in constant contact with Frank. He went on to become a star player and Princeton and now he’s an Art History Teacher and minister in the Princeton area. He also recently got married (to a black woman), so I guess the saying is true for him, once you go black, you never go back.

How did/does this relationship play an impact on my present life? Well, I’m pretty much an Equal Opportunity Dater. Some people who know me, like to joke around and say that I prefer white men, but that’s not the case at all. I just don’t feel the need to be obligated to only dating black men. I like variety and if that comes in the form of another “Zack”, then so be it!

What are your views on interracial dating? Do you still think there is a stigma tied to it, depending on the area/location where you live?