“Being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date on a Saturday night. Anything else is irrelevant.” ~Woody Allen, Actor, Director, Pedophile

This morning, my girl Pele, and I were having one of our usual early morning convos. She had just missed her bus in the Bay area and I was still in the bed as usual. I’m not sure how we got on this certain topic, wait, I do remember. Pele asked if my younger brother was still working in retail management because Bebe was looking for District Managers.

“Uh, Pele, I don’t think any straight guy would want to work there. I’ve only noticed really skinny gay men that like to wear women clothes working at BeBe”, is what I told her.

“You know, you’re right, or they’re bisexual…like this cat, Jose, that I know”, she says.

Here’s some background on Jose.

Pele describes Jose as being this tall, very attractive Puerto Rican guy who is trying to date her. But here’s the issue. Jose is BISEXUAL. Pele knew from the door that Jose had a little ‘extra’ something going on with him because of his mannerisms and attitude, but she didn’t want to just assume it. So of course she asked, and he told.

Now, I’m all for people choosing to participate in whatever lifestyle they choose to, but NO, I could never see myself dating a man who was bisexual, and neither could Pele. I understand how this is a novelty to some men, but I truly don’t know how many women out there would be accepting of a bisexual man.

Insert double standard.

I just can’t imagine being with a man who gets pleasure out of kissing another man (among other things). But everyone knows how much pleasure a man gets out of seeing two women kiss. Why? I don’t know. Maybe someone can explain that one to me.

My grandmother used to tell me bisexual people were greedy and that they want their cake and eat it too. Who knows, maybe the old lady has a point there. I remember having a transgender friend in high school named “Danielle” (Daniel) and I asked him, why would he take the time to dress like a woman, but also want to date men and women. He basically told me he never felt comfortable in ‘boys’ clothes but he also didn’t want to limit himself to just men. P O N D E R O U S. Confused much?

In any event, I will stick to my strictly hetero men, but being that I live in the area with the DL phenonmenon  in full swing, you can never be to sure nowadays. Staying single sounds like a better option every day. I don’t want to have to deal with the “Crying Game”.

So here’s 2 questions:

Women, could you see yourself dating a man who was bisexual?

Men, why is there so much fascination behind bisexual women?

Recently I’ve been exploring the aspects of the ‘dating’ world and needless to say, it’s been quite interesting. So interesting, I don’t even know where to begin. The whole experience recently has been quite daunting.

Dating actually reminds me of a Starbucks. Although I’m not a coffee drinker, I do frequent the place with friends/coworkers occasionally. Every time I go, I’m amazed at the menu. All of these coffees/chai/cappuccinos/frappucinos/venti/grande are quiet confusing and so is dating.

I guess being that I’m such a picky person, I tend to dissect EVERYTHING about a person. I can literally size up a man in less than 10 seconds, from head to toe. It seems as though the men I’ve recently met and/or gone out on dates with all seem as though they’ve jumped off the menu of a Starbucks.

Mr. Short Caramel Frappucino

Typically I have a height requirement when it comes to me. I like my men to be at least 6′1, because at 5′10 I tend to tower over anyone shorter than that when I have on heels. This guy was originally from NYC so that was a plus and he’s been in the area for about 10 years. When we first started to talk he wasn’t shy to tell me that he prefer his women to work out. He wanted to know what gym I worked out at and why didn’t I go more often. I told him currently that I run after an 8 yr old most of the day so that’s more than enough for me. I also explained to him that although I probably could afford to loose about 10 lbs, that he’s way shorter than the men I would even normally give a second glance to, so how about him gaining about 4 inches being that he was only 5′8. What was also leary about him was his enthusiasm to let me know that he was a DC cop. As if that impressed me. So I decided to ‘name’ drop. Of course out of the bunch of cops that I know in DC he didn’t know any of them and specifically one from his own unit. How ironic. Gotta love a liar. In any event, after that first ‘date’ there was the automatic ‘disconnect’. Toodles Officer Short Caramel Frappucino!

Mr. Tall Vanilla Bean Frappucino

I’m a sucker from anyone with a New York accent. It reminds me of home and is always welcoming to hear instead of the country accents that I come across living in the MD/DC/VA area. So here comes Mr. Tall Vanilla Bean Frappucino. Originally from Long Island, tall (6′1), Italian guy. We talked about everything from how odd some people are down here, how we can’t find any good pizza or the opposite sex. Typically, I wouldn’t normally be attracted to him physically, but his personality is what stood out. The first thing he said is that I reminded him of Janet Jackson, but then he quickly changed that to PENNY from “Good Times”. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been referred to as ‘cute’ so many times in my life. We decided that we would have to hang out again and meet up for some drinks. The next day I received an email from him saying that he thought I would be ‘thicker’ in person. I had to blink and re-read the email b/c I think I’m ‘plenty’ thick…LMAO! No one has ever made any complaints about any of my ASSets. I told a few friends what he said and my guy friends think he may mean that he likes women with BIGGER BREASTS. FYI, I’m proud of my C’s! In any event, I recently spoke with him and brought up the email and he started to laugh. He let me know that he actually prefer “THICKER” women, I’m like damn. I can’t win worth trying. He’s not even someone I would normally ‘date’ and here he is complaining about my lack of “THICKNESS”! Damned if you’re thick, damned if you’re not!

Mr. Venti Mocha Frappucino

What can I say about this guy. I mean damn, he was gorgeous. 6′7, nice smooth skin, smelled good, dressed nice. Seemingly PERFECT physically. Our conversations were always great, so I really didn’t’ have any complaints until when we finally met, HE OPENED HIS MOUTH!

My handsome Mr. Venti Mocha Frappucino suddenly started to look like this:

I swear I couldn’t stop staring at this man’s mouth! He had the worst teeth I’ve ever seen! Brown, rotten, crooked, piled on top of each other!! Now, why is this man driving a brand new car and not have his teeth fixed??? If you have credit to finance a car, you can finance some cosmetic dentistry. I’m sorry, I can over look someones height, and a few other things, but TEETH, I cannot look past those! The next day I logged onto the Lumineers (a form of veneers) website and sent in an inquiry using his email address and phone number, hopefully a consultation will soon follow!

In any event, dating is hard work. You have to sift through so many damn frappucinos until you find the one that’s perfect for you. Then, who’s to say that they’re actually ‘perfect’ for you. I know alot of women who settle just out of the frustration of trying to find the one they really want. I refuse to settle, and in life, I’m not drinking coffee…I prefer my men to be similar to a fine wine. Plus, I’m lactose intolerant.

I’ve lived in the MD/DC area for the past, hmmm…6 or so years now. I understand that certain styles are specific to certain regions of the country. I also understand, that certain styles are started because some people just don’t know any better and other people choose to copy.

When I first moved here, as I was driving down the street one day, I noticed a guy walking and it looked as if he had on 2 pairs of socks on each foot. The socks were almost up to his knees and he had these on with shorts! I figured, wow, I hadn’t seen ’scrunchy’ socks in years! When I was a pre-teen we used to wear them, and they were only worn by GIRLS. That was back in the early ’90s and here was this guy in ‘03 wearing the same style. I could only laugh and shake my head.

Here it is, July 2008. Almost 5 years later.

MEN, what’s with the SOCKS? I don’t care what you want to call them crew socks/scrunchy socks…whatever…The madness has to stop! If you’re going to walk out of the house with some plain ole ugly white socks on, they need to be ankle socks if you’re wearing shorts!

Your socks should not meet where your shorts end!

I repeat,

Your socks should not meet where your shorts end!

Now, I’m not a fashion expert, but that is not ‘what’s hot in the streets’.

This is what my friend Yashieka has to say about those awful socks during one of our IM chats:

Yashieka: I hate seeing that!!!
Yashieka: shorts and long socks
Yashieka: what? your calves cold?

Ankle socks.

Ankle socks.

Ankle socks

I’m not sure why so many men in the DC/MD area have not grasped on to this concept. I’m wondering if these same men who refuse to wear ankle socks are still in tightie whitie underwear?

I’m not sure if this is a regional crisis (yes, it’s a crisis), or if people have noticed this sock phenomenon else where. If so, please let me know!

What are some of the fashion styles in your region that you feel are definite fashion faux pas?

 P.S (Yashieka, on your Metro commute tonight, please take a photo of the madness, we know it’s not the old white men I’m referring to!)

I know it’s been a while since we’ve actually spoken. I think the last communication between us, was via your Myspace page when you referred to me as a “place holder” in your life. You sent me an email, but then of course you prevented me from responding to it because you blocked me. Not a big deal of course to me, because at that point, I was prepared to go on with my life. Words never hurt me.

So now, several months later, for some reason I can’t help to feel that you’re stalking my thoughts. Of course the internet is free for anyone to roam, but usually when people say they don’t want to have anything to do with someone any more, it means all types of communication are severed. Why would you care to know what’s going on in my life? Oh, but of course, I’m sure you got an eye full from my post from a few days ago, that was subsequently deleted. So by now, you know that my relationship ended. Did that put a smile on your face to read that? You also know that I’ve had issues with my health recently. I bet you shook your head and said, “That’s what you get”, because usually that’s how asses respond to other people’s misfortune.

Yesterday, I wrote that I wasn’t going to include TMI in my posts. When people who personally know me read that, they were a little shocked, because it’s not like I put too much of myself out there like that anyways. So, no, I’m not going to censor my thoughts or my writing just because you or anyone else who I may know personally will read it.

Friends. Family. Foe.

It’s really not that serious. So keep on reading, hopefully you’ll subscribe to it. Just add your email address to the feedburner box to the right of your screen. I’m not sure if you attempted to do that yesterday when you clicked it, or if that was what you were trying to do when you emailed my post, but I figure I’d help you out. Also, if there’s any other recent information you may want to just google me (btw, google the name ‘funkyblackchick’ instead of ‘funky black chick’ like you did before- you’ll yield better results) or sign up for my Twitter updates since you managed to read those as well!

Yours truly,

[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]™

I was talking to a cousin of mine the other day, and we realized that all of the “Moldly Men” we have dated, whether it took their looks to grow on us or their personality, it backfired in the worst ways! Some of these men turned out to be some of the biggest assholes ever. I half seriously and half jokingly told her that I refuse to get suck in by someone who I think could grow on me. For now on, if there isnt’ that immediate attraction, be it physical or mental, I’m not going to let them mold on me, but fold them away like an old outfit that I never plan on wearing again. Because in the long run, I think I’d rather go about my life knowing that if I happened to break up with someone or vice versa, it was someone who there was that immediate ‘click’ with, not with someone that I had to make concessions for.

From my HR/EEO background there are a few things I raise my eyebrow to, and that’s inter-office romances/relationships. To me, it’s a known rule of thumb not to have them and I’ve even worked for corporations/organizations that had policies on them. So when I heard about his reputation, the scarlet letter was immediately thrown on his forehead.

Now, I try to be cordial to everyone in my immediate office and throughout the organization, but on this day in particular my cordialness was tested. Mr. Inter-office Male managed to push all of my wrong buttons within a 20 minute conversation. I don’t know if he thought just because I was a ’sista’ that he could get away with the overt flirting or because of his good looks, but during the hours of 8-2pm (yeah I love my schedule) I am professional at all times, and if by chance there’s an after-hours work function, I still keep a certain amount of professionalism as well.

So he tried to pull a few of my cards and asked a few personal questions in regards to dating, etc..etc…I managed to redirect his attention to the subject matters that were at hand for the most part. That was until the subject matter turned to an issue I noticed about our organizations benefit coverage in regards to breast exams and that we were only covering women over 35 yrs of age.

I’m not sure if he was doing his best impersonation of Pavlov’s dog, but upon hearing the word “BREASTS”, he practically started drooling and looking at mine and decided to be a smart-ass and say, “Well, yeah, you definitely need to get those checked out”.

(insert the WHAT THE FUCK FACE??)

Everyone that was around us went silent. You could hear a pin drop. My assistant gave me a look as to say, “Please, (insert gov’t name), don’t hurt him!”.

Toooo late!

I shot him a look, and basically told him, because other women may find his overt flirting and the fact that he’s just about slept with every woman in the organization or the fact that men have come to the job threatening him b/c he’s slept with their girlfriend/wife some sort of perverse form of attraction, but I don’t and if he wants to keep his job at our organization and still be able to pay his hefty child support payments on time, that he needs to back-off. End of conversation.

Yes, my neck was going. Yes, I had my finger pointed in his face and he’s lucky I didn’t stab him in his foot with my 3 inch stiletto heel. Hopefully I’ve managed to make my point clear with Mr. Inter-Office Male, because I’d hate to have to follow through on my promises to him.

In any event, being an Inter-Office Male is nothing any man should be proud about, especially if other women find out how you really are. Yes, we whisper about you in the ladies room, we laugh when we find out about the major drama behind your office courtships, and we’re smart enough to stay away.