Ortho Evra, Seasonique, Yaz, Ortho-Tri-Cyclen are all forms of birth control that most women, I’m sure, are familiar with. Of course neither of these options are 100% effective even when they’re used correctly. There’s always going to be a margin of error.

Yesterday, I discovered what could possibly be a break through in contraceptive science!

My sister, brother-in-law and niece were over for my Christmas brunch yesterday. Everyone was having a good time, eating, laughing and watching the kids enjoy their toys. My son & nephew were in the newly designated game-room enjoying their air hockey table and punching bag. My sister & her husband were also in their referring them.

Shortly after brunch, I retreated into my room for some peace & quiet b/c I was quickly getting into my anti-social mode and wanted to watch a movie. Unbeknownst to me, my sister laid my niece down in my room so she could take a nap. So, instead of waking her up with the tv, I decided to get a quick nap in as well.

About 20 minutes into my nap, I felt little hands all over my face and in my hair. I guess that was my clue to wake up. I laid there for a few minutes and played with her, that was until her face started turning all shades of red.

She sat there and turned red in the matter of moments. Her face was all contorted and she got pretty quiet. At first, I thought to myself, “what the hell is going on here??”.

But then…I smelled it!

The most putrid ass burning shit smell of all time!

What the fuck have they been feeding this girl for something that smelled like that to come out of such a little body!

My eyes started to water, I started to dry heave and gag! I mean, it’s been YEARS since I’ve smelled a baby’s diaper. The funk was unbelievable!

Who needs a hormonal based contraceptive when all you need to do is smell a stank ass diaper. That should be a sure fire way of preventing anyone from wanting to deal with that mess! I know it did for me.

It solidified the fact that, I’m happy to have my one kid. What’s the saying, “One and done”? Well, that’s me!

After yesterday, I never ever ever ever want to have to change or smell another baby’s diaper for as long as I live. Just the thought of it makes me want to gag!

So the next time you decide to go out and the thought of having unprotected sex crosses your mind, just think of all the dirty ass, smelly diapers you’ll have to change!

? Grab this Headline Animator

Basically, DON’T TALK ABOUT IT, BE ABOUT IT!

Anyone can sit behind a PC and complain about the government, about it wrongs, it’s conspiracy theories..etc..etc. But guess what? Until you play your role in AFFECTING CHANGE, nothing is going to change.

What truly burns me is complacent complainers. Yeah, the ones who are constantly complaining but haven’t done anything but benefit off the government that is so corrupt.

When was the last time you performed an act of change?

Protested against the war?

Joined a PIRG (Public Interest Rights Group)?

Wrote your state Senator?

Sat in on public congressional hearings?

Supported your local politicians?

Went out there in the trenches to encourage people to vote?

Or better yet, when was the last time you voted?

Until you’ve gotten into the mindset that you can affect change, there’s not much your complaining is going to accomplish.

Oh yeah, but I forgot. Most people are too busy to do anything concrete, but complain.

Growing up as a kid my parents divorced when I was quite young. My family & I were uprooted from our comfortable life in Upstate New York and moved to NJ. For the most part my mother had a huge support system, which included my uncles, grandmother and aunt and those who eventually became aunts by marriage. Being that it was a struggle for my mother to make ends meet at times, let’s just say we didn’t have gourmet meals, but we managed to make the best of it.

Till this day, there are certain foods that I refuse to eat b/c I was forced to as a kid. These foods were bought mainly because they were cheap and could be purchased in mass quantities way before the explosion of bulk stores like Costco..etc..etc…

So here’s my, “Do Not Eat” list:

 

• Spam- I don’t know how many ways I can say disgusting. Fried spam sandwiches, with Kool-Aid on the side. What really grossed me out was the smell and the gelly film that was always in the can. Can anyone tell me what exactly is spam to begin with?? Does anyone still eat it? From the looks of the website, it looks like its even more popular than ever!
• Corn Beef Hash- This is right up there with Spam. It came in a can and smells like dog food. There were times when I mistakenly fed it to my grandmothers dog, oh well, not by accident, I just wanted to see if he would eat it…and yup, he did. I didn’t realize until I was older that those little white pieces of matter, were supposed to be potatoes. The website states, “Special care is taken in making America’s favorite hash. HORMEL® Hash is a delicate blend of tender chunks of meat with firm Idaho potatoes and select seasonings”. Now, ‘tender chunks of meat’, sounds like dog food to me..and being that they didn’t state what kind of meat, only leads me to wonder….yeah…what kind of meat is actually used??? Is it some poly-meat blend? Because it definitely wasn’t the type of corn beef I was used to.
• Chitlins (or chitterlings)- Ok, here’s a touchy subject for people raised in the south. Some swear by these grotesque pieces of intestines, but hell no, these will not part my lips! The last time I ate pig intestines I was 5 years old. Even when I think about them, I can still smell the putridness of it all. Why in the world would people want to eat some animals shit chute? Beats the hell out of me.
• Bologna- I swear if I ever see another bologna & cheese sandwich it will be the death of me. These were a constant staple in our house. “Mommy, I’m hungry”, “Well go and make a bologna sandwich”….lol! The sight of bologna makes my skin crawl, practically b/c it reminds of me of flesh & skin (but that goes for any type of cold cut..if’ it’s not turkey breast, I will not eat it.) Much like spam, we had lunches filled with fried bologna and lets not forget the Kool-aid, red was my favorite flavor…lol.
• Tang- Not only were we forced to eat some foul foods, we had our share of foul beverages to go along with it. Now, what exactly is Tang? Is it orange juice? I just know it left the nastiest taste in my mouth ever! The most vivid memory I have is one time when I was sick, my mother gave me a tuna sandwich and some tang, let’s just say as I laid in bed with puke all over me, I realized the two didn’t mix.
• Hot Dogs- I think I ate so many of these thing as I kid, I probably could have turned into an Oscar Myer Wiener! To make matters worst, we usually had the store brand hot dogs which were all gritty tasting . Again, fried hot-dogs, hot-dogs & pork-n-beans were staple. You will never ever see a hot-dog in my fridge. I will never eat a hot-dog from Papayas or any nasty hot dog stand on the streets.

Ok, so that rounds up my ‘do not eat’ list. I will never eat any of these foods and I will never make my child eat them either. As a matter of fact, I tried to give him a hot-dog when he was younger, and needless to say, he thought it was the nastiest thing ever & he hasn’t wanted one since.

I’m sure I forgot a few things, so if anything comes to mind later on today, I’ll be sure to update! I didn’t even touch on the several food allergies that I have, that’s a whole ‘nother post . Remember Kevin Arnold’s best friend from the Wonder Years? Well, I think my list is alot longer than his!

I think people around this time of the season take the phrase, “Deck The Halls”, a little too seriously!

This past Saturday my sisters & I decided to head out to mall to do some shopping. I swear, it was the worst idea that we’ve ever had. The crowds, the screaming kids, the smells, it was way too much for me to handle. Even the food court lines were ridiculous. The only line that had a reasonable wait was the hot-dog stand! God knows I hate anything wrapped in casing, i.e, hot-dogs or sausages, but at that point I was on the verge of passing out, so a monkey will eat pepper when they’re hungry.

While we were standing in line I couldn’t help but to people watch. There were a few times, when all I could do was shake my head in pity and tried my hardest to fight back the laughter.

Someone please answer me this…..

Why are women nowadays walking Christmas trees? I can’t count how many over accessorized women I noticed at the mall.

Big dangling earrings, big bangle bracelets, big furry boots, big furry coats!

What happened to the idea that LESS IS MORE?

When I walk past you, I shouldn’t hear your jewelry still making noise.

You shouldn’t set off the store’s theft sensors every time you walk in & out!

Some of the women I saw make Mr. T and Tammy Faye Baker look like Plain Janes!

Here’s a hint before you leave your house. If you think you resemble the Christmas Tree that’s in your living room, then you might want to go back in and take off some of the jewelry!

Remember, less is more!

As the holiday season is upon us, many companies are starting to have their annual holiday parties. I miss the good old days when I attended parties thrown by huge corporations in NYC, like the Viacom & Time Warner annual parties. Since I’ve been here in Maryland, the parties are a little less of the pomp & circumstance. I do have a few parties that I’ll be attending with friends with their companies but today my office is having our department Potluck luncheon.

As irony would have it potluck rhymes with yuck.

Personally, the thought of eating food that came from certain individuals houses that I work with seriously sickens me. I see how their etiquette is here in the office and I can only imagine what could go on in their kitchens.

Take for example my IT administrator, Doug. Doug is the embodiment of Santa Claus. Physically, he looks JUST like Old Saint Nick, down to the beard & pasty skin. He’s quite an interesting character to say the least. Doug LOVES to bring his homemade goodies into the office. On my first day at work, I was clearly warned NOT to eat Doug’s food and this was without having seen him. One day I happened to run into Doug and I clearly understood why. I didn’t understand why an adult had so many dirty stains and spots on his clothes. His nails were dirty and he smelled like spam. Needless to say, I never and will never eat anything Doug brings to the office.

Then there’s Vera. Vera loves to bake as well. But the difference between Doug and Vera, is that people actually like to eat her food. A few months back, Vera brought in some cupcakes she baked, which are pretty popular in the office. Everyone told me I should try one, so I went ahead and grabbed one and took it back to my office. As I’m eating the cupcake, I noticed a sliver glimmer inside of the chocolate cupcake. I almost puked when I realized it was a piece of dog hair!! See, Vera has a dog, and now from eating a cupcake with yorkie hair in it, I can only assume, he’s allowed to roam the kitchen freely!

When we started planning the potluck, I took the initiative to try to persuade people to take the easy way out and just buy something from the deli or a fast food place and bring it in. After I said that, I felt like a leper. Everyone looked at me as if I were crazy. At that point I knew I had to come up with a diversion plan. I basically appealed to the fact that it is the holiday season and no one should have to do anything unnecessary and time consuming and in the long run they’d benefit from not having the extra hassle.

So, as usual, FunkyBlackChick gets her way.

This years potluck will include foot long subs from Subway, catered meals from Carolina Kitchen, and KFC!

As long the food is not coming from Doug’s or Vera’s kitchen, I’m cool!

There. I said it. I. Pee. In. The. Shower. Want to know why? It’s pretty simple, I always forget to use the toilet before I shower and as soon as the water hits me, I always get the urge to pee. Also, the last time I attempted to jump out of the shower and onto the toilet, my ass slipped and fell on the floor.

I’ll pause for a second while you all laugh.

Ok. Done?

My point is, everyone has their little quirks and habits that may be hard to break. Soon I’m going to cohabitating with someone. Although my sister lives with me now. Living with a man is totally different. Last night we were talking and I mentioned the peeing in the shower to him and needless to say there was that awkward silence. But I figured as much. I told him that of course it wouldn’t happen b/c I would respect the fact that more than likely we’d be sharing a shower. I also brought up the fact that he has a habit of clipping his toe nails and not picking them up which totally grosses me out. So we’d definitely have to compromise. I won’t pee in the shower if he won’t cut his talons and leave them on the floor.

So am I the only one with weird habits that may be hard to break? What are some of your bad habits?

I rarely write about politics or even discuss it once I leave my office, but really people, were you surprised to find out that there were no WMDs? Both Bush administrations have been filled with lies. So why is this such a shocker?

Since 2003, Bush has known about the lack of WMDs in Iran, but one lies leads to other lies, so of course he couldn’t tell the truth. Sure, everyone lie occasionally, but his lie has left countries ravaged, thousands on top of thousands lives have been lost and $567 billion dollar tab!

George Bush is the biggest Weapon of Ass Destruction!

Please people, no matter who you vote for, RESEARCH before you head to the ballots. Who knows, we could be going from the frying pan into the fire, as my grandmother says.

And to those who still support Bush, tsk. tsk. tsk. on YOU!